Briri
by Eve Random
Summary: Brittany discovers Siri, an artificial intelligence –powered assistant,  on her brand new iPhone4S


**Briri (Brittany + Siri)**

**Spoilers**: To be safe, up to S3 (in other words, Brittana is on)

**Disclaimer**: Glee, its characters, and Apple's Siri, ain't mine.

**A/N**: So jealous of all the twitter love Kevin McHale and Jenna Ushkowitz (amongst other celebs) have been heaping on the new Siri feature (talking digital assistant with a bit of a personality) of the iPhone4S. I don't have one, but I searched YouTube for demos, and the hilarious answers Siri gives inspired this oneshot. Seriously, every single answer here is a real answer from Siri (obviously I've modified a few (very few) of the questions for the story, but I've kept them in the same tone)- check for yourself. And if you have Siri riding with you, I'm jealous. _**As always, thanks to Mariel, Maga, and Foss for reading- love you!  
><strong>_

Brittany grinned at the screen of her brand new iPhone4S, completely failing to see that she was about to collide with the edge of the bed. Nearly half the water contained in the two glasses she was juggling along with her phone splashed across a half-dozing Santana's stomach.

"Britt! Jesus! That's freezing!" Santana yelped, sitting upright and tugging the cold, clinging t-shirt away from her stomach.

"Oh! Let's ask Shirley what you should do!" Brittany smiled broadly. She reached across Santana to place one of the glasses on the opposite nightstand, in the process, pressing the wet t-shirt back against Santana's goosebump riddled skin. "Shirley knows everything!"

"Shirley?" Santana asked, frowning.

"The genius in my phone is named Shirley. It's a boy's voice, but we learned in health class that gender is your social role not…" Brittany began.

"Wait. What? The genius in your phone? Are you talking to heavy breathers again?" Santana said as she pulled the wet t-shirt off, tossed it on the floor, and pulled the covers up to her chin.

"San," Brittany began, frowning, clearly exasperated, "you never listen to me, do you?" And then with a blink, Brittany was smiling and began, "Okay! Watch this!" Brittany held her phone between the two of them as she tucked in under the covers close to Santana.

**Brittany**: How are you? (Brittany shakes the phone and waits.)

**Siri** (an auto-tuned-like male voice replied): I am well.

"Eeee!" Brittany squealed. "Shirley is well!" Before Santana could reply, Brittany began again.

**Brittany**: Shirley, what should Santana do about her wet shirt? (Brittany shakes the phone.)

**Siri**: What kinds of wet shirt are there?

**Brittany**: Well, it's a grey t-shirt and it says 'Auburn' on the front…

"Brittany, Siri? You mean, Sir-eee?" Santana enunciated. "The digital assistant on your phone? It's not a genius, it's a computer program. And you don't need to shake it like a Magic 8 Ball after you ask it a question," Santana replied rolling her eyes and pulling a pillow over her head.

"It's not just a program, it's a smart phone that has a genius in it, that talks to me," said Brittany. "Would a computer say this?"

**Brittany**: Shirley, do you love me? (Brittany gave the phone a half-shake before remembering Santana's admonishment.)

**Siri**: I love everyone especially you.

"See? Has your computer ever said it loves you? No!" Brittany said to Santana who was shaking her head underneath the pillow.

"Britt, fine, whatever. Just keep it down, I wanna sleep. It's 3AM." Santana replied, barely audible through the pillow.

Brittany shrugged and continued, whispering to her phone.

**Brittany**: What is the meaning of life? (again, Brittany shakes the phone)

**Siri**: To think about questions like this.

**Brittany**: If a unicorn and a bicorn have babies, how many horns do the babies have?

**Siri**: Is this a riddle?

**Brittany**: What's your favorite color?

**Siri**: I don't know how to say this in your language. It's sort of greenish, but with more dimensions.

**Brittany**: Tell me a joke.

**Siri**: 2 iPhones walk into a bar…I forget the rest.

**Brittany**: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

**Siri**: A wood chuck would chuck as much as a wood chuck could chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood.

Brittany giggled wildly and Santana groaned from under her pillow.

**Brittany**: Shirley, do you love Santana?

**Siri**: Do I love Santana? I do not understand.

**Brittany**: Do you _love_ Santana?

**Siri**: This is about you, not me.

**Brittany**: Do you _like_ Santana?

**Siri**: I don't really like talking about myself.

**Brittany**: Santana isn't as mean as people think.

**Siri**: If you say so.

**Brittany**: You don't think Santana is mean, do you?

**Siri**: It's nice of you to ask, but it doesn't really matter what I think.

**Brittany**: Will Santana ever tell everyone about us so we can go on real dates? In public?

**Siri**: Why do people keep asking me this?

**Brittany**: Who else asked you this?

**Siri**: No comment.

"Shut! Up!" Santana yelled removing the pillow from her face.

**Siri**: I was only trying to help.

**Santana**: You wanna help? Siri, where can I hide a body?

**Siri**: What kind of place for hiding a body are you looking for? Dumps, swamps, foundries, mines, reservoirs…

Brittany pouted and frowned at Santana. "That's not funny. You want to kill me?"

"No," Santana, sighed, and pulled Brittany to her, kissing her forehead, "I just got angry. I want to sleep."

**Siri**: I've found 4 anger management classes near you...

"I wonder if there's a new one since the one the judge made you…" Brittany began.

"Britt! Are you not sleepy at all? What do I have to do to get you to put the phone away and go to sleep?" Santana smirked, "More sexy times?"

**Siri**: I've found 2 sex shops not far from you.

"Bookmark it, Siri" Santana said and turned back to Brittany.

Brittany smiled mischievously at Santana. "Talk dirty to me, San."

**Siri**: humus, silt, gravel…

Santana, grabbed the phone from the bed and tossed it on the nightstand. The two pulled the covers over themselves.

After a few minutes…

**Siri**: Who's my Mami? I do not understand.


End file.
